The moment

And there it was…  I felt it completely…. That moment of being in the moment, of joy, of stopping and appreciating everything around me.  It was life in slow motion.  In the rush around at seeding time of year it was a breath of fresh air, and you know what, it was not some momentous occasion.  It was just normal everyday life.

I was sitting in the tractor cab while my husband was working on the drill, my father in law was outside talking to little J who had just been dropped off by the bus.  I was watching all of this through the window of the tractor and just felt so truly blessed.  The sun was shining, my family was around me and all was so right in the world at that moment.

The days since have been full as we are still in the field and have a few cows still calving but I keep coming back to that moment.  It is a reminder to me to just enjoy each moment, no matter how busy or stressful it seems.  This is life, so live it… Enjoy it.

Photography

In the last couple of years I have rekindled my love of photography.  I have started taking some classes and I am really enjoying all that I am learning.  I will post some of my pics on here.  This picture was taken the other day when we asked the guys from our community pasture to come and rope a calf so it could be treated.

Loss

In the last year I have heard of a couple of people in my community losing their children to accidents.  I can’t even begin to imagine the pain they are feeling, it crushes me to even think about this happening to my family.  I wrote this tonight:

LOSS

How do you go on after a loss like that,
Knowing your arms will no longer hold him tight,
No way to tuck him in where he’s gone,
No more kisses goodnight.

I don’t want to feel that pain ever,
Though I feel it deep in my heart,
A life not fully lived, cut short
Before it really had time to start.

I don’t know you at all,
As a parent my heart feels your pain,
Knowing your life has to go on,
Never to be the same.

I don’t know where you’ll find solace,
I hope it gets easier day by day,
Know there’s an angel watching over you,
Guiding you, helping you find your way.

Why do these things happen,
No one really knows,
Remember him in your heart,
As your family grows.

Those near to you grieve also,
Though we will never understand,
The strength and courage it will take,
Do the best you can.

How will you go on from here.
Only you can decide,
Don’t lose yourself, love yourself,
Love others, don’t hide.

Love to all those parents who have lost a child to soon🌾

I just want to be a farm wife

In the past few years a friend of ours has come down to help us at seeding time. This year was going to be the same until he got called back to work.

Looks like this mama is going to learn to either seed or spray or something… Yayyyyy!!! I am pretty excited…

I am all about helping, but you know, I have this job that gets in the way of my farm life. Last year I took harvest off, but I don’t feel like I can also take seeding off. I ask for so much and my bosses are really good about it but someday they are going to get tired of it.

Hubby and I talked about it and we are thinking for sure by next April I will probably need to quit my job so we can just farm together and not worry about paying people to help us. I really want to move this up. I have wanted to stay home since my son was born but circumstances were I needed to go back to work after my maternity. I think now we are in a position that I could stay home full time and help him but I think we are both scared of all the what ifs…?

What if the crop isn’t worth enough…?
What if we can’t make our payments…?
What if the extra land we rent ends up getting sold….?

I really just want to be a farm wife. I like my job but…..

I really just want to be a farm wife.

All the little things

I find mornings such a rush sometimes.

Today I was bringing Little J to town with me. His cousins are at grandpa and grandma’s and they asked if he would like to come play for the day.

On the days he has school and I work it is still rushed as I try to get his breakfast, my breakfast, pack lunches for both of us, get him motivated to brush his teeth and get dressed – but at least he doesn’t have to be on the bus until half an hour after I leave, so if he is running behind hubby can finish getting him ready. I’ve gotten so used to not having to bring him with me for daycare or anything things were a little more stressful having to get both of us out the door at 7:15.

I had to stop and remind myself after getting the second bowl of cheerios, then the milk, then the juice, then the fight over how he can dress himself and doesn’t need me to do it………. that someday……….. I am going to really miss having to do all this and he will be self sufficient. He is already growing up so fast and does so much for himself.

Someday he won’t want cuddles at night and hugs goodbye. Someday he will read his own stories, tie his own shoes, fix his own hurts and put himself on the bus.

So, for today, I am going to appreciate the fact that he still needs me this much and be grateful for all the little things. Someday he won’t need me for all these things, but hopefully, he will always need his mom.

I miss my son

He has not disappeared I have. He has not gone away, I have.
The last two weeks have been a whirlwird, my house is a disaster, my husband has become the single parent. Just yesterday he says to me, I’ll be glad when things are back to normal tomorrow, and I replied, I have book club tomorrow night…..
Luckily, tomorrow things get back to normal.

I love nothing more than being with my family and I always feel guilty when I’m not home, even though I know it is good for all of us but when things get hectic and late night turns into late night and I miss my goodnight kiss and cuddles it makes me sad. Looking foward to tomorrow when things get back to normal.

At what point do you step back and say whoa.. enough already. I fully believe in volunteering and taking your turn on boards and activities to support my child but not at the expense of time with him.

It has not just been volunteering that has been keeping me busy, I have been bonspielling and going to friends happenings. I told my husband weeks ago I didn’t want to go to one of my friends gatherings as I had so much going on before and knew I would be exhausted and he said “I don’t want to go either, but she’s your friend,” and he was right, but I still have that guilt complex that once again my son had to go spend the night away from us, even though he loves going to Nana and Papa’s and probably didn’t miss me one little bit.

I think I am just tired, which makes me miss a little more emotional… Tonight, early night…. Tomorrow… everything gets back to normal 🙂

Let’s Dance

I have not yet had a daily prompt inspire me to write anything, but today, as soon as I read the Let’s Dance topic, even before I read the rest of the prompt I had memories pop into my head and a smile on my face.

So many wonderful memories I have are associated with dancing.

My dad rocking out to Rod Stewart, If You Think I’m Sexy. He would always get my sisters and I giggling as he was singing and busting a move in the living room.

Two-stepping and jiving with my sisters in the living room… This was a pretty regular thing in our house. I have three sisters, no brothers, so we all just danced with each other. I would always make my sisters do the boy side but then I would lead. It has taken me years to let my husband lead on the dance floor, much to his frustration. It usually takes me a drink or two to loosen up and give over the control.

Last summer at my oldest sisters wedding my parents got up and danced. They are so great dancing together but I haven’t seen them dance in years. My mom has had many back surgeries and issues and my dad recently found out he has bulged discs and has quite a bit of pain, so it was such a joy to see them dancing. I am sure they paid for it later but it was so awesome to watch. Our family had so much to celebrate that day. My youngest sister and family had been in a plane crash earlier in the year and although my sister and my brother-in-law came out of it with broken bones, their children were not hurt and they all survived, so to see my parents dancing with such joy nearly brought tears to my eyes.

Dancing brings people together, don’t sit on the sideline, or be self conscious… Just dance 🙂

Weekend Getaway

My husband and I were away this weekend on one of our mini getaways.  I won’t bore you with those details 🙂

Saturday night we were in a nice restaurant for supper and I admit I was doing a little people watching.  A young couple walked in, as far as I could see neither one had a wedding ring on but they seemed comfortable together so I am guessing they had been dating for a little while at least.  What I noticed was after they received their salads the man took a bite and then proceeded to spend most of his time staring at his cell phone.  Same went for their meal.  I commented on this to my husband; I found this very disturbing.  If my date spent all his time on his phone I sure would not be wasting my time with him.  I have a no phone, television, reading policy at meal time.  That is a time to connect with the people around you.  Especially, when you are on a date!

My husband said to me, Well, she has a voice, she could speak up.  That is so very true.  So, ladies, if this was you at that restaurant, Speak UP… If the man you are with is rude enough to spend your entire date on his phone, what hope is there in your future relationship… and men, if this is you, put your pnone down and pay attention to that beautiful lady sitting across from you (this goes vice versa too). 

I count myself very lucky to have a husband who notes how important together time is, especially once kids come into the picture.  If you don’t take the time now to spend together, how awckward is it going to be once those children are grown up and gone? 

Back to the grind

Back at work this week. I am happy it was a short week for me, I am still wrapping my head around being back in the office.
It seems my drama/bologna filter is not back in place yet. After the last few weeks of just being around my husband and harvest folk I have lost the ability to deal with people who create drama out of nothing. Funny how quickly you get used to genuine people. Luckily I managed to just keep my opinions to myself and hopefully I will be in a better state next week.
It really hit me yesterday when I realized I have been spending a lot of time with people who constantly need reassurance, have a need to control everything and create drama. I didn’t think I had friends like that until I took a step back and now I am unsure how to deal with this.
Looking forward to being home for the next couple of days. Lots to catch up on.
Saw a bit of snow today, winter is just around the corner. When everyone else is grumbling about the snow little J looks outside, his eyes light up and he says, snow!! Finally!! He is definitely the light in my day. Love to see the excitement, I’m even starting to look forward to pulling out the sled.

Fall and Harvest happenings

It has been ages and ages since I have posted anything. I guess I just didn’t know what to write about for awhile there.
Summer was a total whirlwind of activity and for the first time ever I took harvest off from work to drive truck and work with my husband. I wasn’t sure if we would be able to work together but it was fantastic!
I learned so much this year. I don’t think I truly appreciated how hard the guys worked to bring in the harvest.  Don’t get me wrong, I will tell anyone who will listen how hard my husband works, but until I actually took part in the job I didn’t fully understand. I have never been so tired.
I learned how to drive a 13 speed tandem, I learned how to run the combine and grain bagger. I also conquered some fears. I have always been afraid of the augers, now I can move them and run them. Climbing on top of the bins still scares me to death but I managed to overcome and do what needed to be done.
I am so very proud of myself for all that I learned and accomplished. We have quite often talked about what if I stayed home to help with the farm and after this trial run, who knows. I finally got the chance to try it and found out I loved it, the LOOONNNGGGG days and hard work at times caught up to me but I think this is what I was born to do.
I don’t think we could have done this together five years ago but I am so glad we had the opportunity to try it out this year and I think I fell a little bit more in love with my husband, if that is even possible. We both tried very hard to be calm and patient with each other, which is not always easy for either one of us but I feel like we are closer than we ever have been.
I am also so very grateful to have had such support from my parents this year.  Without them helping out with Little J, cooking meals and just overall being there to help out it never would have been possible. 
What a great year it has been and what wonderful people I have in my life 🙂